did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
