drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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