So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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