so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
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