1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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