yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize