shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just gargled with NyQuil
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
