She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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