I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
