Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
