Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
