i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
