is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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