I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I need to stop coming to work sober
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
