I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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