I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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