U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
