cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
