And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
