i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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