my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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