I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
