As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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