so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
