I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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