turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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