Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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