She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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