I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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