i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
