Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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