I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Randomize
