Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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