So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
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especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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