we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm passing your future prison.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
