i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She even gives head with a lisp.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
