she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
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But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
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He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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