You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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