Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
