Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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