i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
