You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Randomize
