I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
