I'm eating all of the evidence.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
