I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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