I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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