I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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