Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
