she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
