Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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