A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
