ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
