next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
