I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
