life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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