You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
