Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am available for nakedness
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
