They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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