Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
