I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Who died my cat blue again?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
