my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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