I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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